First up, here is your usual reminder that penis size doesn’t matter and you should stop worrying about it or comparing yourselves to others, as they are probably lying anyway.
That said, in 2021, a team of scientists studied the noses and genitals of fresh corpses to determine if the “big nose big hose” hypothesis is true. It’s good news, large-nosed brethren, for the forensic scientists found that the larger the honker the, uh, larger your “down there” honker.
The researchers looked at 126 male corpses for their study, all forensic autopsy cases at Kyoto Prefectural University of Medicine, from April 2015 to March 2019. All cadavers were in their 30s to 50s, and their postmortem was conducted within 3 days of their death before any major decomposition could take place.
For the study, the team took measurements of the bodies’ height, weight, length and circumference of their flaccid penis, and the weight of their testicles and prostate. Of course, it’s not really possible to induce an erection in a corpse, so instead “stretched penile length” was used, whereby a researcher stretched the penises manually, which the researchers say gives an accurate measurement of what their erect length would have been when alive.
A much luckier researcher, meanwhile, measured the length of their noses.
The team found that the most highly correlated factors were flaccid penile length and stretched penile length. No surprises there. However, the next biggest correlation was between nose size and stretched penile length. The bigger the nose, the larger the “erect” penis.
The size of your nose was not found to be strongly correlated to flaccid penis length, which the team attributes to “the elasticity of a small, flaccid penis may be greater than that of a large, flaccid penis”.
“The fact that nose size is related to [stretched penis length] indicates that penile length may not be determined by age, height or body weight but has already been determined before birth.”
So, how does this help forensics? Well, not at all, really. Had the team found that, for example, penis length changed as you grew older, this could be used along with prostate volume (which does increase as you get older) in order to help determine age. As it is, what they discovered is interesting and could become useful with more research, but as it stands is not immediately applicable.
“Although our results are useless for forensic purposes, understanding the growing process of the penis or facial features may be very important for extrapolating fetal androgen levels and following male genital functions,” the team wrote in their paper, adding they would continue to look into the relationship.
“This study is the first to demonstrate the relationship between SPL and nose size but is limited in Japanese male cadavers, and the reason why SPL and nose size are related is still unclear. Therefore, we consider it an interesting subject to pursue from now on.”
The team found only a weak correlation between nose size and the weight of balls.
The study is published in the journal Basic and Clinical Andrology,
An earlier version of this article was first published in May 2021.
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